Wednesday, May 11, 20059:28 PM
THey say power is a drug. Man with power hunger for more..... what i wish to add; i do not tink this only holds true for power. i tink that the thery applies to feelings as well. Friendship.... love and even competition from rivalry.... a person who has no attachements is... best left that way... i dunno.... perhaps.... a person too familiar with the term loniness cannot learn to accept company, lest the day comes when he fears his old 'friend' like a nemesis... i am confused. for i am in such a jumble now. who the hell am i supposed to be? am i supposed to betray all my beliefs, crumble the foundations of my personality just so i can shed behind miself? or am i supposed tp reserve miself till the end..? and neva realli.. feel.... a person behind a mask... perhaps... lies are made not to decieve others.... but himself... to deny that he soughts sumthing he wants... or worst deny that he is the sumthing that others have readily concluded that he isnt.... now i ask miself... what is it that i want... and i do not noe.. worst i lie to where my feelings lie... and i do not noe. IS that it...? am i doomed to my beliefs? to walk this earth a person who with no feelings; no emotions? i often 'miss' my companions... but i do not know why.... why is there this urge to c them... perhaps it is with them that i do not have to wrap miself around a cloak.... be the chameleon that i am learnt to become... to learn to untink what i have thought. to create and accept what i am inclined to destroy. Is this a sign of weakness? am i weakened?.... becos of this? strange.. i do not feel so.... this feeling of helplessness... i noe its a defect that i will have to eliminate.... but how? how do i sever my emotions without doing it so willingly...? i have always aspire to be the tyrant.. i have believed that we should snatch over what we sought with our own two hands.. destroy what we hate with our own bare hands.... Am i wrong all along? i do not understand... how to understand ur own feelings, this seems to be my primary concern rite now... how to convince miself of how i realli tink.. how do i not get distracted by this impulses? haha... i have to be honest... im confused... why am i missing sumthing that make mi miss it even more? to destroy it seems like a good solution.. yet i have to accept the fact taht this is real life not some game... i cannot break what it.. my feelings... myself... what the hell am i supposed to do... perhaps the others do not realli understand mi thoughts... i am ashamed... i have only fell the good natured pple that i have come to contact with... they will neva understand how it is to be that sum1... to be ambitious, inhumane and yet... concerned, to comfort..... am i wrong even now....? i find miself harbouring hatred more easily than i've thought.... is that beastly instinct? am i just that- a person ruthless enough to destroy all? parents, friends...? then what are they to me then? then why isit that i feel 'heavy, burdened by feelings whenever i harbour such thoughts? isit becos im programmed to do so? or is it a weakness? or even a strength ... the last ounce of strength to stop my miself from falling over the final peak?.. even with this i have to end liao... i just hope i remain like this chained to reality... for the good of other pple.... and miself
DEATHNOTE.
