Friday, August 05, 200511:26 PM
Sumtimes i wonder wads de freakin problem wif mi. I guess all that can be summarised in a single point. i dunno miself too well i would say. Under nomal circumsatnces i would have rebuted( and most probably suan ur ass out for it) if u even mutter a word that im stupid.... but.. this time i cannot disagree. HOW can i NOT noe miself? when i am mi? that isnt possible. its like saying ure eunice and not knowing ur lame lame lame. or saying vinny but u dunno ure siao jin. or a big jackass. or saying ure them and u dunno that irk the socks off my feet( no foots) sumtimes. or for euny her foot (since shes lame. and joshua too.) anyway thats not relevant. whats important is tat i duno miself. i dunno wat i wan. neva will. i may convince miself that i like sumthing one day and the next day i may be blasting it apart with a bazooka. i may pity sumone one day and the next day laugh my guts out when i look at them, those pathetic little wretches. the list goes on.... i may dwell in self pity on one day. feeling dejected and hopeless because the circumstances were inforced.tat i have no choice. and the next day, i may be hating miself for having to make a choice outta decisions. how stupid is tat? i dread having no freedom. and yet i dread responsibility more. i wonder what the bad ass mi would have done if left with decisions. but i noe that the bad ass would have sumhow, one way or another, convince himself that his time will come and choices will come along. BUt the image of him decieving himself that he didnt want to make a decision is a vivid image etched onto my mind. and one taht i cannot deny.
how do we decide what do we want? how do we make a decision? based on everything that we may noe and like, and convince ourselves tat this moment would not end up as a moment of regrett years down, or a turning pt of ur life? how do we? when we have too much to lose? how well can u make the judgement? i noe i simply cant. any efforts end up to convince miself oni makes miself more suspicious of my 'true' intentions. if i DO know wat the hell they are. its like asking u who would u save when u see both ur parents drowning in water and u can oni save one. how can we not hate ourselves for making a decision? when we know that making one would result in the loss of another? u cant lose either. nor both. thus there is no true choice in life. u can choose to be miserable, or more miserable. happiness as itself rarely exists. ur pleasure may be built on the pain of others( one valid example is that vinny is a pain in my A**). what u choose comes at the expense of another. and in the end u convince urself that u rather lose both, when in the 1st place it was u who wished for choices to be made avaliable to u. How fuked up is that?Hahaha dun tink u all understand what im tryin to say bah. nvm hough. just b happi for urself tats all i can say. succeed in where i have failed and u can claim that u truely lived.
DEATHNOTE.
