Tuesday, August 02, 20059:52 PM
Wad is responsibility? this question just struck mi outta the blue today. and to my utmost surprise, i could find no trace of any answer.( this happens every so often when ure stuck wif maths, this i noe, but Responsibility? isnt this etched onto our mind from the 1st day of kindergarten?stupidity this i knew had nothing to do with....) like for example, today, the physics teacher came and told mi taht we would be having lessons at 245 and the venue. Its kinda complicated. lessons ended earlier than he expected and started again earlier than he expected i suppose. we were released at 145 in stead of the 215 which he had expected. and lessons resume at 315. howeva, he seemed to be under the impression that we had no lessons after 315 and he granted us a hlaf an hour break. and lessons started at 245 instead. As a result, the tutorial shrunk from an hour to a less than half an hour. and this was made worst by the late tutorial which no one had doenm actually except for 1, all due to a simple reason. NO TYS as it wasnt even compulsory in the 1st freakin place. i had the red spot 1 which was completely different. and besides, i had completely no idea what the hell he was babbering about in class for i am kinda ashamed to say neva once touched my physics notes outta class with the exception of tests. and worst he posed mi a quest which i had no idea how to answer for the love of god. and i was the phy rep. i told him the truth why i didnt do my work. cos i had the wrong tys. which was basically THE excuse and the best aside from plain laziness i suppose. and his face was already distorted slightly. then worst. the rest didnt do their work too. and the hand up of the worksheets( which was dued long ago wasnt complete either) . his face was a shade of grey. and then my jackasses of a classamte had to make his day by answering calls and acting like mat(black if u dunno) ( and for ur info hes realli a mat) and his comapny were all basically screwing their way throughout the lesson. his face turned from grey to graphite colour. and then lesson ended at 315. and we just went through two mcqs and a structured and we told him we had to go for other lessons. he appeared shocked. he even did for us calculation 245+ 1hour=345. and we told him he mixed up the time. his face went from graphite to a complete black. ( his face colour more accurate than limtus paper liaoz.) and he just diao us and asked us what we should do to make up. and we got scolded and the useless assoles just went slient when a minute ago they were acting indians. now they acting mute. wth. oscar nominee liaoz. and i had to save the class ass by coming up wif a remedial schedule for next week to make up for the loss time. how fuked up is that? and the others were seemingly unwilling to cooperate by keep constantly chaging the time and day i arranged due to some stupid reason or two when we were doing all this IN HIS FACE. WTH. i wanted to murder miself. honestly, if i had a gun back then, i would have shot miself. i mean i dun mind, infact i kidna like the slacker attitude... but when its serious i expect to be serious. when they have serious stuff and need mi help, i help. but u noe whats their fuking problem? they wun get serious except when ity ciomes to protecting their own arsses! their fuking attitude totally screw mi day up. i wasnt even in the mood though i topped bio again later the three times now simultaneously. i was damn pissed. pissed at the nagging. pissed at their attitude. pissed at the skool. pissed at miself. they reminded mi of miself. and i knew i was more like them than i wanted to admit. and that realli tick mi off. wth. am i realli taht fuking irresponsible? i meant i was doing my job as a physics rep by obeying the teachers instructions. BUt yet thsi is the guilt... guilt of not having told the teacher of the mixed up timing.... and knowing that i could have done mi work. when i was apparently slacking the entire week away. all the more pissed i was. i started to question miself. WTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? be a hero? i knew i didnt want to do taht. yet i knew i was capable of that. that it was the responsible thing to do. yeah fuk responsbility man. everything revolves round it whther u acknowledge it or not. i was realli realli tired. tired of the freaking in ur face nagging and of my class. of studies. of life. it was just too full of problems. too full of responsibilities.... and i realised that this was a curse that has palgued mi for days, weeks, or even years. i neva had the courage to face up to responsibilities. i had always chosen to run. and i tot it was acceptable. i was wrong. DEAD wrong. when it came to relationships, i had chosen to blindly continue with what i had and refuse to accept changes of the heart. i had refused to believe that i would change and so would the other party. and school. i had chosen to believe that i can do well if i worked hard enough. it was a lie. but i felt the need to decieve miself. it wasnt. it neva was. to do well, doenst mean u have to work hard. u just have to have the intelliegence 1st. i had always believed in integrity.. and yet here i was, forasking my integrity for my over inflated ego and pride.i was weak... and still am. but i have decided. as from today i will try my best not to be the same again. no more pesismistic, irresponsible ck. just a perosn striving to do hsi best and live it out... to accept fate and not decieve himself. and to be serious when i need to. thats it i supose.
DEATHNOTE.
