Sunday, September 18, 20056:10 PM
im a person who tinks a lot. tat i noe. but usually what i tink is confined to only how to make the life of pple round mi a living hell and how to make a fair jackass outta miself. i neva got to serious issue. i neva gave it a second tot why. ME... serious? u serious? Ure serious tat im serious? ( c.. i should just drop the crap lah) anyway.. i've been thinking these few days... and especially when euni started going serious on mi. i realised why. i was afraid. always had been. and always stubborn enough to decieve miself tat im not. tat no good will come outta of it. and toking to tang. tang gave him his wise advice. can u be a man for once?.... this struck target. hard.
i couldnt sleep the entire nite. perhaps i shouldnt whine bout it and make it seem like such a big deal. but it is. at least to mi. i mean its fine that pple avoid being serious cos they dun wana be too much of a big f( u noe wat) but.... what if i could neva be? all becos i was too cowardly and stupid.... even euni said my thinking was too passive. is it just me? am i right? or am i decieving miself that im not oward, that what i do is for the good of everyone? am i a person who can only hold secrets and neva let them out? am i a person who will neva face up to adversity? and am i a person who can neva be true to his heart? am i?
even after al the ot i've given... i must admit. al of it had been fruitles thinking. i am just as i am. i cannot be true to miself just so i can decieve others and miself again. but remaining decieved and neva waking up may be the best thing to do. and also de most stupid. things neva change when they remain stagnant. but how do u noe that remaining stagnant is a greater wrong than changing? how? perhaps even the 1st line was a line. i dun tink a lot. i tink a lot about stuff i confine miself to; and let miself get influenced by others way of thinking. cos i was too coward to accept my own.
indecisive is a problem. but cowardiance is smthing i cannot accept. im been too much of a coward without even realising so. being nice had alays been a excuse and wil remain so. being nice is no reason to decieve urself. and go alone as fate dictates. being nice is but nice. decieving urself and being nice is another whole new matter. even as i hate to admit it. what von and euni said was true. i have changed the moment i met u all.
there have been countles occasion when i argue over this. whtehr this change was for the betta or de worst. i neva got to a conclusion. and i believe that it will remain so. have i traded my decisiveness away? am i no longer able to tink freely becos i'm bounded by fear? fear that anything i do will cost me sumthing? perhaps it had always been betta to remain with nothing to begin with. but thats it rite? when u have nothing u dream of getting sumthing and when u do get sumthing, u will not wana jeopardize it. pple can choose to move on, but others may remain stagnant......
......................... dun be like mi............................. tats all i can say. ck signing off..................
DEATHNOTE.
